I wonder if there will ever come a point in my life where I stop thinking "Next time, I'll do _____ instead." I'm always wanting to do something better the next time around, which is good, in a sense, but not so good in that most of these things that I'd rather have done another way aren't things you really get a second chance at - like the whole high school experience.

None the less, since I'm in one of those moods again, I'm focusing on a next time I can make better - next year.

Some of my goals (NOT new year's resolutions) include:

• Lose 5 lbs per month
  
• Be more out going
  
• Better manage my stress levels
  
• Be more active in my LJ

Nothing too major, but some stuff I think will make me a happier person over all. If you want to know the details behind those goals, ( Read more... )

Yes and no. It's just human nature and our culture. It is, admittedly, going against biology to not want children and (ideally) in order to have children, you need a significant other. I understand why things are this way and why society as a whole continues to believe that's the way to go. So I don't really think society is putting too much pressure on people because, ultimately, the choice is still up to the person.

I do, however, think this pressure ostracizes those of us who don't want children and are content, even happy, being single. I don't think it's that much worse during the holidays. I also don't think it's intentionally ostracizing anyone, it's just another natural by-product. It's awkward going out as a group when everyone else has brought their significant other and you're on your own. It's difficult to maintain conversations, especially as you get older, with people because eventually they drift to the topic of their families and you don't have one. I'm still not unhappy with my choices, I'm just unhappy with other people's choices, even if I understand them.

I bought a new car!!! Completely in love with it!! Lookie! ♥

Somehow I suspect I am never going to stop being somewhere between depressed and disappointed by the fact that as an adult you no longer get a summer vacation.

I understand you can still go on a vacation, maybe even one during the summer, but it seems highly unlikely to me that I will ever find a career (outside the education system) that lets you take a three month break. I miss all that time to regroup and grow up. Everything goes by too fast and too slow at the same time this way. It just never stops. I need it to stop once in a while.

Plus, after summer vacation, school had to sort of ease you back into the routine. Not take it easy on you necessarily, just the material builds. In the beginning of the year it's not as hard as it'll be by the end of the year. Now it's just always hard. Can you imagine, seriously, what it would be like coming back to work after being gone for three months? My stomach can barely handle the thought, much less the actuality.

AND! Even if, by some miracle, I did find a career that let me have a summer vacation - what's summer vacation without your friends? They certainly wouldn't also have miraculously found jobs that let them take a three month break. Summer needs sleep overs and some nights of drunken stupidity and staying up until the sun rises and all kinds of little things all rolled into one blurred experience of bliss.


I need to regroup and grow up.

So, I killed yet another computer. As before, when I went to turn it on, it just wouldn't. At all. I'm talented like that.

I'm trying not to think too much about all that I've lost. I'd backed everything up on an external hard drive, but that hard drive died in much the same manner two months ago and I just haven't had time to redo it all since then. Really should've made the time. Anyway, rather than focusing on that, I got myself excited about getting a new laptop - my first laptop.

Well, I have it now and am using it, but I don't love it as much as I thought I would. It's gorgeous and powerful, but I went with a huge screen and I'm not sure if it's just comparatively or if I need to keep tweaking the settings, but all the fonts seem so teeny tiny that I feel blind. I think it's a mixture of both, but whatever it is, my eyes are not liking it.

Now comes the fun of redownloading the necessities (well, necessities for me - like AIM, trail versions of the programs I had on my other computer for school, Mozilla, etc) and trying to get all their settings back to what I had before without going too crazy, since once this semester of school is over I'm just going to wipe this computer and start clean so I can get rid of all the free crap that comes with it that I don't want.

Oh, by the way - Windows 7 = win!

EDIT: Changed my mind. Totally love it as much as I thought I would. I just had to tweak the fonts and I think I need to go back to an older version of AIM. I am currently all cozy in bed and yet on the computer at the same time - this is fantastic!!!

Friday was his birthday.

I thought of that off and on throughout the day and hoped it was a happier one for him this year than it was last year. Granted, it wasn't bad last year, just some things happened that made the actual day of his birthday less than ideal. Birthdays are a big deal to me so I want those of the people I care about to be really good ones.

He's been floating in and out of my thoughts again lately. I'm curious about what his life has been like these past few months. I'd love to trade dating experiences and see how far we've both progressed along these new roads. I think really I just want to know that he's happy.

Briefly I worried that these kinds of thoughts were unhealthy. Worried that maybe I wasn't as well recovered from a broken heart as I thought. Worried in general about what it meant to still be thinking about him.

Then I realized it's just my nature. Once in a while, I still think about the ex before him, too. He's always on mind mind on his birthday and on our once-upon-a-time anniversary. The ex before that one, too, still passes through the shadows in the back of my mind here and there. I also think about friends once dear to me in much the same manner. It's just who I am. Once someone makes their mark on my heart, it's there forever. I've been fortunate enough to have very positive experience with all of them so I bear no ill will and have no reason to want it to be otherwise.

The more I think about it, really, I don't know that I can fairly say I've ever honestly had my heart broken. I've just had it given back to me. None of the guys I've dated (few though they are) have taken my love and abused it. It got pretty banged up in transit when Danny (the ex before the boy) returned it, but there was mutual fault to that. The boy left it in excellent condition and actually even helped me put it back in place. I'm an extremely lucky girl.

I wish I could know that they know that. That I think back on what we had with only fond memories. That I'm as open to friendship now as I was then. That I still care about them. That I want them to be happy.

I have this habit of assuming people I find particularly intelligent are atheists.

And then I make a poo-poo on god/jesus/church/religion statement and realize that may not be a particularly intelligent thing for me to do.


Guess I'm going to hell.
Pray for me? =\

So, I'm annoyed by this phenomenon. Every year, instead of feeling older and more grown up, I feel more and more like I'm still such a kid. What I find especially irritating about this is the fact I know, with all due modesty, that I am far more mature than most of the people in my life that are my age and yet I still always feel like the baby.

There is something wrong with this picture.

I suspect the problem lies in my tangled opinion of what it means to be an adult. Actually, I think there may be a flaw in the way I define what it means to be a kid, too. Which means, really, that the problem is probably that I'm making this black and white when it's not.

( Taste the rainbow. )

Regardless of how old I am or feel, I think bringing back nap time as a regular part of the day is a very good idea.


P.S. I think it's an absolute joke that people have kids because they want babies and get married because they want to have a husband/wife. IDIOTS. Playing house does not mean you're all grown up. You should not marry someone unless you can't imagine spending the rest of your life without them (and you've been dating more than three years) and you should not have a kid if you do not want/are not ready to be a responsible parent. Ugh.

I think it's possible for it to evolve, like for a friendship to grow into something more, but with people in general, at least for me, it's always been instantaneous.

With each of my longest three relationships (two of a year, one of a year and half), I knew from the moment I saw them that there was a spark. It only burned more brilliantly as we got closer. In absolutely every other instance, I was lukewarm, at best, and it was over in a month.

Who knows how many good things I may have missed out on lately with my dating spree, but I can't help it. If you do absolutely nothing to make me want to know more on the first date, there isn't going to be a second date. It's not enough to be a nice guy or a funny guy or even a sweet guy. There has to be that something or I'm over it.

Larger people, in general, should avoid lighter colored jeans. Most people, really, should avoid acid washed jeans. Short people who are also large, especially, should avoid such an unflattering style.

Today, I'm wearing low-rise, worn acid wash jeans. They're stretched in places almost to the point of ripping with a off-white/cream tone to the tint. The top I've paired with them is a plain black t-shirt styled shirt that's form-fitted and with a U/V cut neckline. Despite the fact I generally hate doing anything with my hair and typically think I look awful with it up, I've also thrown it into a pony tail.

Honestly, I look pretty trailer park today.
And I LOVE it.

I love that I don't care. I think it's an interesting look and I feel good even if I don't necessarily look good. I'm definitely not going to be turning any heads when I go shopping, but I DON'T CARE. I love not caring. LOVE IT.


I think I'm riding the high of having lost six pounds in four weeks, but I'm okay with that. =)